Bare minimum

What's fucked is that, I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. I can ask a million times and all I'll find in return is "I'm good". Something, even if I don't know what yet is wrong. But how I hope it won't be something grave. Nothing too serious, I like where this is at and I don't want it to get too serious or to become a joke. We're in a perfect middle. Maybe I'm looking for too much, maybe you don't offer that. Whatever it is I'm sure it'll work itself out. All I ask is to be the only one, no one else. And if I'm not, then end it maybe then this shaky uncertain feeling I have inside might go away.

New beginnings

Getting serious with someone is for lack of better words, scary. How can you trust that this perfect body in front of you won't turn out to be a complete psycho? Being attached to someone is big but knowing that you are slowing needing more of them everyday is on another level. I never thought I would of been in this situation ever again. I thought I was done with intimacy. My plan was to focus on my goals and career, never having to worry about when to start dating again because I wasn't going to. I wasn't even looking for you, and just out of the blue you decide to turn up in my life. I don't know how serious we are going to be. I don't know if this will last any longer. But oh god how I hope that you will stay. Something about you keeps me guessing. That very something has me addicted to everything you do. From the soft whispers on my neck to the loving look in your eyes. Please don't go away. I think I finally found what I've been unconsciously searching for. You obtain that. Your great and I can only hope that you'll think I'm great too  

Quizás nuestro destino sé a acabado.

 No te mande ningún mensaje por lo que me habías dicho el día anterior. Cosas así no nomás pasan. Eso se queda en mi mente y duele. Y peor que tu no valoras nada. Ya no pienso en volver a dejarte que me lastimes el corazón. Duele que hace poquito tiempo pensé yo ser lo más importante en tu mundo pero hoy, en este momento no soy ni un pensamiento que pasa sobre tu mente. 

Sex

Maybe self respect applies to every single part of our lives. For instance, I have this overwhelming need to do things without thinking it through. My thoughts go like, "yeah, sure your pretty mad he stood you up but he looks really sexy right now; fuck him now". Honestly things, shouldn't be like that ever. But the real question here is, how do you overcome your impulses? If not overcome at least control. Impulses in my case have everything to do with sex. The problem isn't the act itself, the problem is masking the actual issue with pleasure. And we all know putting a band aid on it doesn't make it disappear it simply covers the scar for a moment. But the scar will forever remain. 

Moving on or not?

The guy I love doesn't seem to love me anymore. Well not like before. Before, he'd message so many times I thought my phone might break. He would call me every night just to hear my voice. If I was mad or angry at him, he would make sure I didn't go to sleep like that. Now, all of that is gone. It's like he does that for someone else or something.  I don't know I mean I try so hard to keep this relationship together but it's like I can't be the only one fighting. I don't know what to do anymore. And it's killing me inside because I think he's in love with someone else. I just wish he would tell me. I just wish I wasn't the only one trying. Maybe I'm holding on to a memory that will never be the same. Maybe he has changed forever and I'll never see that part of him again. I don't know what did this, but I wish it hadn't because I want the love back. Everyone tells me to stop trying. That if he really wants me in his life and if he really loves me, he will try just as hard as I do. But I've been waiting for months now and all I see is nothing. Maybe he isn't mine anymore, I should probably stop trying and move on. I'm just hurting more the more this goes on. Maybe the love is gone.

Stranger

The worst of it all is that I feel like I deserve it. Like I deserve for you to treat me this way as if I were nothing. Just some stranger. A stranger whom which you know all their secrets. Love doesn't turn into hate. But how I wish it would. I would rather feel anger than this aching hole in my chest that is a never ending sadness.  

Tragic

Today you asked me to delete all the pictures I have of you. I can't believe any of this is happening. Much less the fact that you insist it was completely my fault that you screamed at me, "I never want to see you ever again" in the middle of a crowd. I have accepted that I will never see your light brown eyes ever again. Or the way you fidgit when waiting on me. But the biggest thing that is eating me alive is how easy it was for you to just erase me completely out of your life. How you don't even flinch at the thought of losing us forever. Maybe I'm just a wuss but I can't bring myself to erase all 295 photos of you. 

The truth of the matter.

Sometimes your biggest demon, pride; won't let you accept when you've done wrong. Until you can accept that reality. It is all my fault and it's fine. I'm used to it. 

Valentine ups

Strangely you keep me at an all time high. I crave your embrace, you spoil me rotten. The more I see you, the more we connect. We have this electrifying connection that I don't quite fully understand yet. I love it, it makes me feel alive. It makes me long for you and you know it. I couldn't help but stare at you for so long, I know you noticed. The strange thing is that just when I looked back up at the movie screen, you stare at me with this awe as if you were saying "I love you". It was an endless amount of romance and lust but at the same time a love so true that I couldn't even imagine. It's as if you kept this side of you hidden away for me to find and keep forever. I will cherish it and never forget the feeling you give me. 

Park Bench

and we're here again, me wanting you so badly. I find that now a days all that eases my restless mind is a cup of joe and an occasional smoke. I admit it, it is you that puts me on edge, you're the reason for my endless train of thoughts and for the worry line on my forehead. I'd love nothing more than to say that loving you is easy, but in reality it is anything but that. For I can give all that I have inside and out and you will forever leave me empty handed. You could watch me cry alone in the rain and not even budge. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't long for those pretentious romance novel moments where her lover grasps her from behind and tells her he loves her. Sadly all I receive is nothing, instead of leaving and holding on to the little piece of dignity I have left, I come to you; crying, wanting some form of caressing. This happens more often than it should. Each time you pour out words I never thought I'd hear you say, and every moment replays itself. With you saying "it's over" and leaving me without a reason. I'm left there frozen solid, what can I say? I'm starting to believe you do this so you can be with another person for one night, then as always apologize and say "it'll never happen again". I just want your embrace in that moment where I feel so alone, where you leave me so sudden. I can wish all I want but I know it will never get better, and even then I still come back to you. I am alone crying over you. Just like two days ago, at the park you simply said "It's done" and left without explanation, I've become so immune to it that I don't even move, not even a shiver. This time around at least I had a beautiful view of the lake's water. But in it I saw my reflection, loneliness. I didn't quite understand how someone who had a lover could be so lonesome, but I know it all too well now. You've said your goodbyes an infinite amount of times and I can almost recite them. In that park I realized that maybe I give too much, maybe I made you this way. Either way I'm sitting on this park bench again and I'm wondering where it went wrong, why I am alone. The train of thoughts begin to unwind and take control of my head. In the midst of it all I had failed to realize the swan in the lake, or the tiniest frogs by the rocks, or even the way the wind hugged each tree branch, maybe I wished to share this view with you along side me. I know it won't happen. That's alright, you'll come around. But with the birds I'll share this lonely view.